Grief and the holidays
- Dec 18, 2022
- 5 min read
Many people are filled with happiness and joy this time of year, but for those dealing with loss and grief, the coming days can be especially challenging.
“The holiday season seems to bring constant messages to be excited, giving and close to family and friends, yet those who are grieving may approach this time with sadness and even a sense of dread as they are remembering the loss of loved ones. While friends and family gather, those who are grieving may feel sad and lonely,” said Jeanne Reilly, director of social services with Hospice of Humboldt in Eureka. (She oversees the Grief Support Services department.)
Some people may or may not experience some of the following changes while they are amid the grieving process, she said.
• Physical changes: Feeling tired, having a lack of energy and even numbness, not sleeping or sleeping a lot.
• Emotional changes: Loneliness, feeling abandoned or feelings of guilt or regret, shock, numbness, restlessness, relief after a prolonged or difficult illness, fear about resulting changes in one’s life such as home, job, financial support.
• Mental changes: Difficulty concentrating or becoming forgetful, struggling to follow through on simple tasks, a lack of interest in daily affairs, questioning the meaning and purpose of life.
• Other changes: Some may tend to isolate or withdraw socially and some may expect their loved one to call or they may sense the loved one’s presence.
Reilly offers a few suggestions that may ease the pain and assist in the healing process, but she says, “Please keep in mind that there is no single right way to be in your grief. Do what is comfortable to you.”
• Acknowledge that it won’t be the same this time (this year).
• Express your needs — let others know what might be helpful.
• Plan ahead — continue old rituals or create new ones. “The key is to practice rituals and activities that honor your personal needs and the memory of your loved one,” Reilly said.
• Take time to reflect and treasure your memories — share stories, gather photos for an album, play a loved one’s favorite music, etc.
“There are no hard and fast rules about how people grieve. Grief may be more intense and prolonged the closer one is to the person that died,” Reilly said.
“Through the grieving process,” she said, “we gradually accept the loss and we heal. There is still sadness, but it is not the deep hurt we have felt before. With the sadness, we still have happy memories of our loved one who has died.”
Reilly offers several tools people can use to help themselves with grief and sadness:
• Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time for healing.
• Find supportive, trustworthy friends and family, and share feelings honestly. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just “are.”
• Take one day at a time and soon those days will become weeks.
• Seek help from those who know how to help you heal.
• Grief can lead to physical symptoms. “Unexpressed words or tears can cause lumps in your throat. Anger held inside can lead to headaches or upset stomach,” Reilly said.
• Keep a regular schedule, if possible. Maintain realistic goals and expectations.
• Focus on taking care of yourself. Be aware of your body’s need for nutrition, rest and exercise.
“If you notice something worrisome, seek professional support,” she said.
To help people with the grieving process, Hospice of Humboldt provides grief support services for individuals and in groups.
Grief support counselors provide emotional support and grief education to individuals and families. Hospice of Humboldt also offers free grief support groups every week with trained facilitators. For more information about these groups, call 707-267-9801.
“Every week people gather to share their experiences of grieving,” Reilly said. “The focus is on creating a safe place to express and heal feelings that come with grief. These meetings are facilitated by bereavement volunteers who are trained and supervised by grief support counselors.”
Hospice of Humboldt also offers free individual sessions for children and will be offering a teen group in the spring of 2023.
Reilly shares some other resources that could be helpful:
• North Coast Association of Mental Health Professionals: This website provides an extensive list of mental health professionals in the area. www.ncamhp.org.
• Two Feathers Native American Family Services: Counseling and Native youth suicide prevention programs. 707-839-1933.
• Good Grief: Provides tips and support. www.good-grief.org.
• Realize the Gift: An extensive web-based resource hosted by Gemini Adams, grief expert and multiple award-winning author of “Your Legacy of Love: Realize the Gift in Goodbye,” offering hundreds of articles, expert advice sections and links to recommended organizations, books, films and websites relating to all end-of-life and grief issues. www.realizethegift.com.
• The Dinner Party: A worldwide community of 20- and 30-somethings who have experienced the loss of a parent, partner, child, sibling, other close family member or close friend. TheDinnerParty.org.
• Refuge In Grief: Blog, videos, even a 30-day “Writing Your Grief” course. www.refugeingrief.com.
• Dougy Center: A national support center where children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a death can share their experiences. www.dougy.org.
• Compassionate Friends: Assists families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and provides information to help others be supportive. www.compassionatefriends.org.
• Adults Alternatives to Suicide Zoom peer support group: Free online group for ages 18 and up. Meets Mondays, 6 to 7:30 p.m. Zoom meeting ID: 160 522 9687. Email Erik at mystic@moonpearl.org.
• Humboldt County Mental Health Crisis Line: 707-445-771.
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call for national, confidential, anonymous, 24/7 crisis line, 1-800-273-8255. Ayuda en Español: 1-888-628-9454. This site also has resources for helping yourself and others, suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
• Crisis Text Line: Free 24/7 support. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor who can provide support, but not medical advice. www.crisistextline.org.
Reilly also offers a few ideas about how people can help their friends and loved ones who are dealing with grief:
• Leave them care packages.
• Be specific about how you can help.
• Ask questions.
• Remember big dates and acknowledge little dates.
• Just be present, you don’t have to talk.
• Share memories of the lost loved one, “Say their name,” she said.
• Let them be sad
• Be awkward. It’s OK if you do not know what to say. “Your friends/family just need you,” Reilly said.
For more information about Hospice of Humboldt — located at 3327 Timber Fall Court, Eureka — call 707-267-9801 or go to https://www.hospiceofhumboldt.org.
This story originally appeared on the Times-Standard.com.
